I'm so sorry

It's so strange how people can tell you things without even knowing. If you have a question that always exists in the back of your head, tucked away somewhere...you'll constantly be answering it. It's a sad thing to think of a person and realize that they're merely temporary and have no major impact on your life. It's a sad thing to know you won't remember a persons name. A human being whom you exchanged words and thoughts with. It's terribly sad, but,

I think I realized tonight that I won't remember you.

jb

You looked like such a happy person, before all of this. I didn't know you, and you didn't know me, but we were the same person. We just didn't know it yet. We don't know it now. But I know it and so do you.

It has been so long since you've been able to love someone with your heart. You've meandered about the waiting room for months. But that room only yields bad news, and that's what you have. You've got bad news, friend. I'd tell a beautiful soul like yourself that I've fallen in love, and at points I truly believe it myself. There are moments when I can think of no one else, and your individual emotions overcome my humanity; swallowed into another state of being...an empathic reality. But in the long run, I know that you are you, and that I am myself. & there is little to no major or minor interconnection.

You say, "I love you". You have said, "I love you". You will say, "I love you". I know you mean it on a certain level, but I urge you: if you do not mean it the way I've stacked it up in my head, please don't say it. I've built this despicable state that filters words and phrases that shuffle in with a blasé demeanor. But the single phrase that you have uttered twice now leaves me on my knees with my hands out in front of me. Begging, longing for more.

I beg for more of you. I could never have you, and I'm more than aware of that in any mental capacity or state, but that does not keep one from wishing. & I love you. But I love you in the way that I mean it.

I'm so sorry that he hurt you. That he scarred you. That he imprinted permanent damage onto your impressionable skin. It was not fair, and I'm sorry you're frightened to get close to anyone else. Be okay. Be free. Please be healed.
I beg...

fading

this apparatus has done me no favors. it tailors to no one person's specific needs and leaves me soaked out in this warm rain. but a confession leads to embarrassment and pity.

words can never be lassoed once emitted. traveling at one million confused-random-palpitating-hearts per second. passing like a monarch over a dreary-eyed solar system, distant stars begin to wink in your direction. but I must confess to you that these stars...the balls of intense gas and overbearing love...the ones that fade in the distance..they are mere echoes of a once immense energy. your love is long gone, but you can gaze into the past.

stare into me.

Little Blue Briefcase

You dropped your briefcase sweetheart.

It's funny how you kept walking down that ever busy sidewalk without it. You left it here unintentionally in my hands. Caring or not, loving or destructive. The contents of your blue briefcase are at the mercy of me.

Please don't hate me, but curiosity got the best of me when I saw tears dripping from the 4 part lock of your blue briefcase. Too many people feel their birthdays are a safe combination.

Your birthday was printed on the handle. It spoke no words when I opened it. I almost mistook it for being blank when only smoke escaped. Only smoke gasping for air and scarred & scared sacred little velvet cigarettes.

You never came back for your baby. You must notice it's missing. It's your little blue briefcase.

Katie.

Kathleen, why can't you comprehend
that not all lives are meant to blend?

Even if I did meet you in a life when we were both cats. Cats that slept under the dead of night, watching shooting stars scrape against the ozone letting in an absence of anything. Ripping holes in humidity. Oh Kathleen, you were always a better Kat.

But Katie dear, your blood is thickening. Your being thrown up against walls and forgotten about. They forget to put food in your bowl and water you do you grow nice and tall. Sprouting in all directions getting ready for harvest.

Katie, Katie, Katie. You never did quite learn how to be fruitful. You always kept to yourself and watched the cars slide on icy patches. Spinning and turning and screeching with their distant red tail lights. They screamed your name, didn't they?

Kate! Why, oh why Kate! Why did you have to play your violin so loudly that Sunday morning? You know full well that Sundays are for rest in this house. So you jumped ship and hoped that you had learned how to swim in a past life. But no such luck. I think you must have been a rock in your past life. Yeah Kate, you must have been a rock. Be my rock Katie?

Won't you be my stone.

You know my name.

Well it's not the way
You looked at me
When you said that
Everything could be
And I swore I'd
Never understand what you meant
When you said that this is
Just a place, to practice feelings
Charm and grace
I never said I'd understand
A thing.

But you seem to have a way
With words and you just steal away
Protecting yourself at any cost
Or means
You said you knew it wasn't fair
To just leave me standing out there
But you couldn't help yourself
It seems

Well it's not because
You said my name
The real one,
that you had learned
But the way you said it
Tone of voice
Licking your lips
And tasting concern

So give me patience
Kiss my wounds

retreat and such.